If I Were To Marry You

If

I were

To

Marry you

And

There’s

Every chance

I might

I would expect

Devotion

No

Headache

Late at night

And

Just in case

You

Are

Unaware

Let me

Make it

Clear

I would

Demand

Civility

No

Back word

Glare

Or

Sneer

I would require

Domesticity

A home

Needs

A woman’s touch

Don’t fuss

Or

Bother me,

I

Wouldn’t like that

Very much

And

In the evening

Please be dressed

I simply

Abhor a slob

After all

I have a

Reputation

To uphold

You

Must see

My dear

Its

Very clear

Mine’s

An important

Sort of job

Oh…

And

At weekends

After golf

When I stand

Before the

Fire

Don’t

Tire me

With your prattle

With

What might

Have filled your

Day

Instead

Lay down

Your

Sweet

Sweet

Head

Soft

Upon our marriage

Bed

And wait

Wait

Until

You hear

Your lord and master

Drawing near

My tread fall

Light

Upon the stair

And

Then

And only then

Let me have

The best of you

Naked

Rampant

The zest of you

And

We will splay

All

Inhibition bare

You will

Suck me

Fuck me

I

Don’t care

Then

Let me have

My rest

And

I will take you

First thing

In the morning

For that’s

When I’m

At

My best



So then…



My goodly wife to be

If

You play

The wanton whore

Set

My heart

Beating like a drum

Then

I can

Safely say

‘Pon your birthday

Once

A year

I

Might

Let you cum

Blood Red Wine (A Love STory)

From the first moment I was completely captivated by her; she was exquisite, perfect and beautiful. Beautiful woman have a quiet serenity, a floating, graceful confidence. I watched spellbound, drinking in her every move and gesture.

As I drank deeply of her, myriad rainbows flashed, scattering light over her long auburn hair, stars swirled in rolls of curls like a wild mane of fiery light dancing across buttermilk shoulders. I had become so enchanted by her that it became impossible for me to look anywhere in that vast gallery without finding myself constantly meeting her assured gaze.

We had met and fallen in love forever in that first exchange, in an instant, in the blinking of our eyes, without one word needing to be spoken. She filled my mind with only thoughts of her, she became my art, she became the music and the colour within every word I would write, every stroke upon every canvas.

Love, or more truthfully this love, became a new palette of hitherto unimagined colours. She wrote me as words in her story; she spoke of love, breathed life into my life. Her words lost to me as I swam in pools of darkest blue only midnight away. Floating in that darkness through the night of dancing dreams came the dawn that would toss us anew upon a golden shining shore. Breathing kisses wave over wave.

She poured wine, from a tall silver pitcher.

Sweet red

Blood red

Red

Red red wine

ZEBRA The Story Of a Ferral Cat

You may well ask
Yes
Zebra that’s right
That me
Funny name
Strange game
Especially when you stop to consider
I was born one of five brothers and two sisters
Fighting like fury for a milky teat
When I wasn’t
Filling my belly
I was pressed hard up
Against my mothers furry arse
In the back of a shed in Rochdale
In street forgotten by time
Life was tough
Rough
Even
But Zanzibar
Was never far
A banana box lid
Was where we crept
In the darkness
A banana box lid
Was where we slept
A banana box lid
Was where mother would
Schlep
All manner of squeaking detritus
To home sweet home
Safe as houses
Warm as toast
No Hobgoblins
In our shed
It wouldn’t happen
They’d be dead
No more to be said
My Father
He would sorted that
No one fucked with Mulligan
He was no scaredy cat
Yes ours was a
An exotic
Chaotic
Pied A Terre
Then came the day
That fateful day
That stopped
The good life
No more eating
No more bleating
For a teat
No more playing
With my sister
I couldn’t resist her
No
Not today
There was no more
Play
The time had come
For us to walk
And talk
For in the doorways light
Stood my father
His eyes were blazing
Green and bright
His hiss a roar
A fearsome sight
Suddenly Mulligan
Shouted OUT
And suddenly
There we all were
Out
Out and about
Knee deep in dead mattress
Crambling
Scrambling
Over rambling
Roses
Roses that died long before the old King
Picking and sticking
We foraged forward
Over shards of glass
And flattened grass
Where over lay
Rusted
Crusted
Supermarket trolleys
Bent and broken
Open
Like the bleached corpses
Of the Kalahari
There we all were
Shivering and afraid
‘Neth wild and windswept skies
And fouling stingle mist
Mist
That stung and clung
To your fur like
A thief


Keep walking
Ordered Mulligan
Don’t look at me
And don’t look back
And to each of you
I’ll give a name
Remember it
It’s the only thing that’s
Yours
This is no shitty
Kitty game
Springheart, Lester
Pudding and Punch
Sallied forth into that morn
Mulligan growled
Then hissed again
Then led way that lonely train
Brigham
And then the sweetest
Daisy May
Now
All but me were gone
Mulligan gerned up his face
And snarling said
Off with you
Be on your way
And on your way
Mind you don’t stop
To sleep beneath a tree
Or chase a mouse
Or scratch a louse
Or even think of me
Don’t stop
Until that day
You find a friend
And only you will know
A friend
Who smiling stoops
To ask your name
My name is Zebra
You will say
And I am here
I am here
To stay
Oh yes
I am here
I am here
I am here for
Ever
And a day
Your friend won’t know
That he is your friend
But you will Zebra
You will

The Lordly King Of Tut

The lordly King of Tut
Was disturbed by his growing gut
He fasted by both day and night
To try to put the matter right
But all the while, it just got bigger
Adding daily to his figure
He’d watched his girth grow wide and white
For ‘twas, a year since he’d had a shite
He would burp and he would fart,
But he could not get his arse to start
His knees would tremble and his eyes would pop
It would often move, but never drop
Soon it became the Nation’s issue
To discuss the monarch’s growing tissue
A magic laxative must be found
To loose our king, who’s truly bound

Now the Queen was ugly and seeing red
Well, there was no longer room in the Royal bed,
Oft she’d take his head upin her lap
And dream of ways to make him crap
She took to shagging with Dukes and Earls
Fucked all the Page boys and the girls
She unfrocked Bishops upon the throne
And she wouldn’t leave the Knights alone
Soon it were proclaimed throughout the land
That sex with Queen were fucking’ banned
The King was in a consternation
Made worse of course, by his constipation

Then it happened something started
Rumour was that the King had farted
Soft at first, it were just a flutter
A whining sound, then a cough and splutter
Then a blinding flash and a clap of thunder
Ripped the poor King’s arse asunder
At twenty thousand feet his bowel imploded
Then a mega fart exploded
His royal balls were blown to pieces
As the good king sank beneath his feases
And in that bright white blinding flash
His once proud kingdom was reduced to ash


The moral of this story is very clear
Especially to those that you hold dear
You may have breeding you may have class
But never become a right royal pain in the ass

Biggy R I P

My Cat Biggy died today aged 15 years

God bless Biggy

The Long Boat

Olaf
The skinny Viking
Started each day
With a thrust
This
Was not at all
To his liking
Because he felt
It so unjust
But nevertheless
And
To be matey
He’d pull hard
Upon his oar
And oh
How he wished
He had brought a cushion
To stop his arse
From getting
Thor

When was the last time?

He looked at the old man
And thought
When was that day
The day
You stopped
Old man
Legs one day
Stick the next
Evidently
It was about the time
The stairs
Were hard to climb
And then to
To the bedroom door
Where upon the floor
His dear wife
Had passed away
Sort of
Took the legs
From under him

Platontic Friendship

In a spinning breathless
A wonderful joy
A moment of madness
I was swept along
So
Where did it go wrong?
Intoxicated
Indoctrinated
By my own lusty dogma
The giddy energy of attraction
She
As greedy as I
Hanging on
Every word
Watching every gesture
Committing to memory every detail
Liken to some delicate pressed flower
A kiss
A hesitant breath against perfumed cheek
Shining
Radiant
A white fire
A searing heat of shivering expectancy

Then why
Oh Why!
Oh!
Bugger and round things
The subject has been raised
Like a creaking drawbridge
Shit
There’s that word again
HONESTY
Let’s talk about it
Let’s be adult
Let’s be realistic
Don’t let’s tantalise
And the sooner we realise


That neither of us
Want the inevitable pain
The jealously
The guilt
The black silt
Of lies
Which leap up
Creep up
Heap up
Like debt
To meet
And greet
Every stolen magic moment
So what to do
We sit and stare
It’s hard to bear
It’s hardly fair
Well
I am paying
At last
A brave declaration
Of honourable intentions
A promise midst forking sushi
A promise midst sipping wine
We can be friends
Through the day
In the park
Not late at night
In the dark
A kiss on her mouth
She says
just wouldn't be right

How can I say this without causing hurt
She lowers her lashes
She dashes
All hope
Out her words blurt
Friends do not
Under any circumstances
Exchange bodily fluids
A Friend is stoic and strong
A friend can never be wrong
A friend
Is a friend to the end

Bollocks!

A friend round the bend
An Everlasting
Colonic friendship
Friends!
Tell that to my
Groaning moaning loins
A fucking platonic friendship!
You must be joking!
What haggard breath
Gave utterance
To the honesty of that lie
Pucker up
One last…
Oh yes that’s right
There was never a first
Just a thirst
For honesty
Honesty
Honesty
Honesty
One plea for honesty after another
Pissed down
That night
Upon my passion
Like a dog splash
Against a tree