Mad Cow
'Never put your trust in a man, whatever he might he might say, do you promise dear?'
'Oh Lor, whatever next Mother,' I giggled.
Mother's words of warning were still echoing, as I watched her ample pink teats gently squeezed by big Doris Butter's dextrous fingers.
Did I listen?
Did I heck as like.
Do any of us at that age?
I was young, headstrong, finding my way. I dread to think of the worry that my sister and I had caused our poor mother, during the three weeks or so we had known her.
It's never easy for a single parent. It probably accounted for her just 'upping sticks' one day. 'Just popping to market,’ she called out. We never saw her again. Honestly, it's just been one thing after the other. Then one day last week as I was going through some of mother's old things, you know... how you do, there was a knock at the door.
In the light, stood a man, blocking the doorway of our cosy byre.
'Let's be havin' you then, isn't it,' he shouted, bringing down a thick cane hard across my buttocks. At that same moment our eyes met, I had fallen in love with Bleddyn Morgan, the village butcher.
Love or not, I didn't care for the way he kept me waiting, we cows spend our lives on the edge of incontinence. Relenting, Bleddyn using his cane to good effect, pushed me into his cosy little 'Ab Twa'.
Bleddyn had swept me off my feet, well, swept me off the floor actually. Due entirely to the effect of the electric stun gun he had so lovingly pressed against my temple. I fell for him, hook, line and conveyor belt. My world had been turned upside down by Bleddyn's drop dead patter.
Mother was right. From the moment I had given myself, so easily, to Bleddyn I had never laid eyes on him, I had ceased to exist. Life was rapidly coming apart at the seams.
One afternoon, just before tea, it happened. Oh joy, my sweet, sweet love... Bleddyn had returned.
My heart leapt, or it might have done, had it not long since been stuffed in aubergines at Lorenzo's restaurant. Bleddyn lifted me gently in his arms, drawing me close. I felt him shaking, what I mean is, it was me he was shaking, into a sack marked 'Offal.' Slinging me across his shoulder he headed for the door, as I fainted away into darkness.
Finally, coming to, I discovered to my horror, that I had been prepared as a row of Beefburgers. As I descended the heated conveyor one behind the other, something very
strange happened.
From within a polystyrene box next to me, I heard a familiar voice.
'I warned you not to trust men, I told you not to believe a word they said.'
I couldn't believe it.'MOTHER!'
posted by Gus Jonsson at 10:53 pm
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