Ladies of the North

Beware the lady from Darlington
It would count as almost a sin
If you knocked soft upon her door
She would be bound to let you in
Aye,
Then she will please you
Kiss you
Tease you
Next she’ll bid you stay
To slip on the noose
That will cook your goose
Before she plays away


Beware the lady from Hartlepool
Now there’s a nasty thought
Don’t stray close or hold her hand
Or a lesson you’ll be taught.
Aye,
Then she’ll inspire you
Love you
Tire you
Next she’ll break the news
It is very sad
Now you’re a dad
Your freedom you must lose


Beware the lady from Sunderland
Watch out, she’s hot as hell
Tread lightly with this darkly maid
Or your soul you’ll sell
Aye,
Then she’ll lay you
Lust you
Pay you
Next she will bare your heart
It won’t be funny
When she spends your money
The nasty little tart


Beware the lady from Middlesbrough
A horrid smokey town
She’ll drag you to the floor
In her floral dressing gown
Aye,
Then she’ll rock you
Cock you
Clock you
Next she’ll steal your car
You’ll feel a right tit
Now that nasty shit
Won’t let you stray too far

Burger Off

Hamburger, hamburger in the sky
Hamburger, hamburger way up high
A velvet sky and blue cheese moon
Oh! How I miss your Yankee tune
Doodle Dandy in the dark
Harmonies for the dogs to bark
Oh! Blessed be the morning light
Where’s the mustard
Where’s the cream
Passing seawards
Down the stream
Onward flowing to the river
Forgive the plastic
Praise the giver
Meat to meat
Bread to bread
I’m feeling
So much better
Now I’m fed.

The Rollover

I often talk to God you know, oh yes all the time in fact,
He gives me the confidence to meet the day, aye; we're talking all the time. Well, when I say talking,
I mean... me. I'm the one who's doing the talking.
Well he does. But it's my voice, you know, in my head.

To be honest, I've never heard him actually say anything that didn’t sound like me anyway.
See...how can you be sure.

Take the other day for instance, down the shop putting on the lottery, I asked him ...you know, what the chances were. No, I didn’t mean I wanted him to fix it or anything, I know it's not right that you should be asking God for such as money.

It’s easier to piss through the eye of a needle than to enter the kingdom of heaven, if you're a rich bastard, I know that. I want it to help I don't want a big win. You wouldn’t know what to do with it would you. No, you see, I'm not a greedy man, a couple of million or something I'd be in fucking clover.

Well, not that I want it all for myself you understand, I'd be happy with a just a couple of hundred, grand, if it was just for me. Jesus it's all you would need. It's like I tell him, look I say there’s people out there in need, do you want me to list all the people I'd help. But it's the same every time I speak to him... not a word. Mind you, I think he's pleased, after all wasn’t himself that made a Christian out of me. Dear Lord I say, I know why you didn’t let me win this week. I forgot to include someone didn’t I?

God forgive me, It not even as though I begrudge paying out the thirty quid a week or so that it costs me, isn’t it a good job the old lady's working. I say to him, look if I win at least you would know where the money was going, wouldn’t it be to help the needy and every thing. I'm only human I tell him, doesn’t it stand to reason that your going to help your own first what sort of fucking family man would let his own run short, just a few bob, then I'd divvy out between to all the good causes. You see he's right isn’t he, that’s why in his infinite wisdom he makes sure that if you going give to the poor you're in the frame to win at least twenty million on the fucking rollover.

There I'd be , happy as fucking Larry with just a couple of million having to take the whole bloody family away on a holiday of a life time, buying our Michael a pub, and a car for our Felula. What am I saying a car...I mean two cars, three cars four cars, more is what I'm saying and a new house, a big bastard at that ...with a big bastard swimming pool? You see by the time you've done the basics there's bugger all left for the poor and needy that why God is telling me that I have really have to swallow my pride and

Go after the big one.

Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’

Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’

It's not often you're invited to a glittering 'First Night' at the theatre, met at the foyer by the theatre management and accompanied to the best seat in the house. Followed by canapés and ice cold gin and tonic at the interval in the Green Room which was served to me ‘En metal Tray’ by a rather over bosomed school girl suitably mini skirted wearing stiletto white shoes and attached to hissing ear phones. At the bell I was ushered back to my box to enjoy a wondrous finale. Well, last nights showing of
Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’
was no exception!
The plot, and I use the term advisedly, preformed by the
'Widnes and District Ladies Rugby League Club,
better known as the 'Knicker Kickers', bore no resemblance whatsoever to the stories of the gallant ‘Sir Robin of Loxley’ only insofar as ‘Robin’ sported a very natty 'Lincoln Green' leotard together with a very apparent 48" D cup tabard in day glow orange, the words ‘Motorway Maintenance’ on the back did little, I feel, to remind us of our latter day hero.
Doris Cockermouth who, when not playing scrum half for the seconds, is unbelievable as she tackles the leading role of Robin Hood. In fact it would be honest to say that Doris's portrayal of the good Robin of Sherwood was totally unbelievable throughout the whole evening.

Who Maid Marion?
…well somebody must have, made her that is! I have not seen anything to compare with Widnes’s full back, Cythereia Ballscaut's performance of Robin's fair lady since John Hurt's stomach ulcer ran amok in 'The Alien’

Now we, all of us, love a little mystery, but perhaps someone could enlighten me. Why?, In the middle of such an epic disaster, seven dwarfs, (I counted at least eleven, played by the children of the W.D L R..L C.), as they burst from the Greenwood, which incidentally was kindly supplied by Sylvester Greenfinger Director of the Widnes Parks and Greens dept.

The dwarfs proceeded to fire little arrows with suckers on into the audience, very nearly blinding the front row, whilst at the same time screaming from the tops of their raucous voices the lead song from 'Oliver'.....'Food Glorious Food' ???

The scenery and backdrop however proved most interesting as much of the ‘Greenwood’ seemed to consist of rubber tree plants and a whole array of exotic orchids and tropical ferns, more reminiscent of a scene from ‘Miss Saigon’ than that of medieval Sherwood Forest.

Let me tell you that if I knew that the line " Lets burn the bastards out! " Delivered by a lusty, if not busty Sheriff of Nottingham, played by the tall but never elegant Elvira Pickles, coach and part time masseuse, would end the evening so abruptly after only four and a half hours, thus far I would gladly have supplied the matches myself.
As it was, the stage went up like Dante's Inferno, dwarfs, screaming ran in all directions like short roman candles, dopey buggers!
A finale liken to that of the Dresden Blitz.

As the final curtain came down, together with much of the ornate corrugated roofing, the show was upstaged by the Warrington and Winnock Fire Brigades who had arrived hot foot from close by Winnock village hall. Many of the lads arrived dressed as Japanese school girls where they to had been playing to a full house ( twenty four ), the age old Gilbert and Sullivan favorite 'The Mikardo and the Forty Thieves'.

"Lucky I had my bleeper with me", said leading Fireman ‘Nankie Poo Roberts’ as he continued to extinguish a still smoldering but panting
Hilda Gofaster, aptly (Will Scarlet), upon the back seat of his car.

Alls well that ends well!

End

The Girl in White Sunglasses

Ten minutes later I was squatting upon the grey stone steps leading into a noisy street pub in Sandown’s winding high street both my head and leg was throbbing and numb and I was grasping a bottle of ‘Lemonade’ in one hand and a bag of crisps in the other. And looking into the small spotty face of a girl in white plastic sunglasses who was unyielding in her stare whilst sucking loudly on a ice lolly.

‘Where are you staying?’ Said the spotty girl her cheeks drawing into meet one another, as she continued to suck the life from her ice lolly.

Too embarrassed to reply I shook my head and shrugged at the same time..
Intrigued, she lifted her sunglasses with one hand and laughed. ‘Where?’

‘East Cowes’ I mumbled and almost immediately took a long swig from my ‘Lemonade’ which fizzed and exploded in my mouth causing me to splutter and choke loudly.
For a moment there was an incredulous silence between us but as the last of the lemonade was dribbling off my chin her ice lolly slid from it’s stick dropping with a wet kiss onto the pavement at her feet. As though on cue, we both burst into spontaneous laughter as we watched the ice quickly runway in a orange sticky stream into the gutter.

Portuguese Man of War

It was then that I saw it, an enormous glistening head bobbing clear of the water. In an instant it had disappeared only to reappear at my side then another immediately behind me. I felt my heart beating loudly and my mouth began to dry out as I slowly turned for the shore I began to breast stroke I knew I couldn’t afford to blindly swim over arm into the trailing tentacles of the highly poisonous Portuguese Man of War.

Unfortunately for me I had swum into the middle of a passing shoal of Portuguese Man of war jelly fish shimmering and blue they appeared one after the other their puffy blue sails pushing up through the bottle green water they pulsed and undulated through the water basking close to the surface in the warmth of the sun.

This particular jelly fish is dangerous; this knowledge was due entirely to my recent membership to the Sea Scouts where I had been informed that due to the recent summer storms these delicate but deadly fish were likely to be in our waters. The poisonous sting was in the long trailing tail or tentacles which swept out under this strange creature as far as twenty or even thirty feet.

They bobbed around me as I endeavoured to keep as flat a profile to the surface as possible, soon I was passed them slowly kicking for the shore heading for the myriads of happy children playing safely in the shallows beside the beach.. The first sting had the affect of pushing me up through the water it was immediately followed by a series of ripping shocks which sent me from icy calm into threshing panic. I began to swallow water as another a wave of paralysis numbed my legs and my arms continued to thrash the water in a hopeless attempt to propel me towards the safety of the clamoured beach.
The sea and sky were now becoming as one there was a roaring rushing noise in my ears I was up and then suddenly down, aware of the patterns of rippled sand and small stones and shells as I was thrown along through and under the surge of the breaking surf.