Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’

Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’

It's not often you're invited to a glittering 'First Night' at the theatre, met at the foyer by the theatre management and accompanied to the best seat in the house. Followed by canapés and ice cold gin and tonic at the interval in the Green Room which was served to me ‘En metal Tray’ by a rather over bosomed school girl suitably mini skirted wearing stiletto white shoes and attached to hissing ear phones. At the bell I was ushered back to my box to enjoy a wondrous finale. Well, last nights showing of
Robin Hood and The Seven Dwarfs ‘La Spectacular’
was no exception!
The plot, and I use the term advisedly, preformed by the
'Widnes and District Ladies Rugby League Club,
better known as the 'Knicker Kickers', bore no resemblance whatsoever to the stories of the gallant ‘Sir Robin of Loxley’ only insofar as ‘Robin’ sported a very natty 'Lincoln Green' leotard together with a very apparent 48" D cup tabard in day glow orange, the words ‘Motorway Maintenance’ on the back did little, I feel, to remind us of our latter day hero.
Doris Cockermouth who, when not playing scrum half for the seconds, is unbelievable as she tackles the leading role of Robin Hood. In fact it would be honest to say that Doris's portrayal of the good Robin of Sherwood was totally unbelievable throughout the whole evening.

Who Maid Marion?
…well somebody must have, made her that is! I have not seen anything to compare with Widnes’s full back, Cythereia Ballscaut's performance of Robin's fair lady since John Hurt's stomach ulcer ran amok in 'The Alien’

Now we, all of us, love a little mystery, but perhaps someone could enlighten me. Why?, In the middle of such an epic disaster, seven dwarfs, (I counted at least eleven, played by the children of the W.D L R..L C.), as they burst from the Greenwood, which incidentally was kindly supplied by Sylvester Greenfinger Director of the Widnes Parks and Greens dept.

The dwarfs proceeded to fire little arrows with suckers on into the audience, very nearly blinding the front row, whilst at the same time screaming from the tops of their raucous voices the lead song from 'Oliver'.....'Food Glorious Food' ???

The scenery and backdrop however proved most interesting as much of the ‘Greenwood’ seemed to consist of rubber tree plants and a whole array of exotic orchids and tropical ferns, more reminiscent of a scene from ‘Miss Saigon’ than that of medieval Sherwood Forest.

Let me tell you that if I knew that the line " Lets burn the bastards out! " Delivered by a lusty, if not busty Sheriff of Nottingham, played by the tall but never elegant Elvira Pickles, coach and part time masseuse, would end the evening so abruptly after only four and a half hours, thus far I would gladly have supplied the matches myself.
As it was, the stage went up like Dante's Inferno, dwarfs, screaming ran in all directions like short roman candles, dopey buggers!
A finale liken to that of the Dresden Blitz.

As the final curtain came down, together with much of the ornate corrugated roofing, the show was upstaged by the Warrington and Winnock Fire Brigades who had arrived hot foot from close by Winnock village hall. Many of the lads arrived dressed as Japanese school girls where they to had been playing to a full house ( twenty four ), the age old Gilbert and Sullivan favorite 'The Mikardo and the Forty Thieves'.

"Lucky I had my bleeper with me", said leading Fireman ‘Nankie Poo Roberts’ as he continued to extinguish a still smoldering but panting
Hilda Gofaster, aptly (Will Scarlet), upon the back seat of his car.

Alls well that ends well!

End